I was invited to advise Josef on his decision, not
make his choice for him, so in an effort to help him
in the best way that I can, I'll go through the essays
one by one and offer my opinion, then my choices at
the end. My picks will be based on not only writing
skill and wit, but real world experience and skills
that will assist young Josef on his journey.
CLAUDIA GIRIBALDI
"However, as far as I know, anything that takes to
know other culture and travel around the world, I will
see it as a great experience for learning and at the
same time having fun with Josef and others down
there!?"
This is an essay contest, not a Nigerian scam letter –
thanks for playing.
ALEXIS
Huge bonus points for a limerick, although a dirty
limerick would have cinched it. She makes my top three
with her boasts of drinking anyone under a table and
peeing faster than boys, also for reminding me about
Naked Came The Manatee, that's one of my favorite
books and I haven't read it in forever. Bonus points
for the photoshop skills.
IRA
Instant disqualification for complaining and
disclosing their status as unbearable.
SPROCKETT
Not only is this guy witty, he seems like a total
wingman match for some serious pubcrawl action. He
shoots to the top of the list with his charisma and
supreme desire to unite with is ancestors – as well as
get drunk and chase lassies.
MINNIEJUICE
This is a tough call, she seems fun in the essay, and
her pub finding skills would be handy, something deep
inside my own pubcrawling mind says it wouldn't be the
best choice.
KYRIAKI TSAGANIS
While her desire to search out the great authors is
admirable, the recent stint in rehab might be
deterrence. While it does offer up an instant
designated driver, it instantly steals a drinking
buddy away from the fun. While rehab is noble and
could be good, it's a bad idea to mix recent rehab
with drinking capital of the universe.
GARY GOLDBERG
Gary seems like an interesting guy and not only does
he work hard, but he plays hard, and not in that
uncomfortable sweaty steel worker way. Gary would
probably make a loyal wingman as well. His writing is
tight and most importantly he knows kung fu,
seriously, he can protect you from drunken soccer
hooligans. You are skinny and will need someone to
watch your drunken back. He definitely makes it to the
top of the list.
ARUNA
I'm really not sure what to think about this entry.
It's some sort of drunk confessional, and while Aruna
seems sincere and nice, she also seems kind of tragic.
With massive amounts of alcohol and late nights in
hotel rooms ahead, I'd pass.
COCO
Mentioning illegal substances on a blog of someone who
is about to go through customs not once, but at least
four times, is just a really bad idea. Epic fail.
TIFFANI WILSHIRE
She claims her uncle invented Pub Crawling, I'm not
sure about that. Plus, her middle name is The
Fabulous, that is trouble in the making.
MEGAN TROMBINO
While first aid certification is important, saying you
need to abandon the US at all costs should lead to
asking other questions. Is she a felon?
KAREN GUTERMAN
She claims to have political connections and can get
you out of trouble. She's top 3 material for that
alone. I mean really, 'nuff said.
HAIKU PERSON
No name. Sorry. Also disqualified for playing fast and
loose with the Haiku format, recount your syllables.
SANJAY SETH
He keeps talking about kilts. Kilts are Scottish.
Sorry.
PHILLIP
His bitterness about losing is apparent, but his idea
about wearing Canadian hockey jerseys is priceless.
Keep the idea, lost the contestant.
From the offers of personal protection to diplomatic
immunity, there are some great choices here. Since
this is advice, and not my final choice, I will offer
guidance. The top three standouts are no doubt
Sprockett, Gary Goldberg and Karen Guterman. Each
offer something wonderful to bring to Ireland, but in
the end, if it was my choice, it would be between
Goldberg and Sprockett and in the end, I'd choose
Goldberg.
Gary Goldberg not only has military experience and
will battle to the death to protect your precious
brews and pristine innocence, he's also politically
savvy and compassionate. He can also knock back
copious amounts of brew and seems like he will act as
a strong wingman from what I've read. Seems like a
clear winner.
But then again, you could always take me ...
Jake Smith
jsmith@citylinkmagazine.com
City Link Magazine
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Labels: Judges
5 people left some love... Will you?:
- At March 26, 2008 at 6:50 PM Anonymous said...
-
Hey there, Mr. Jake Smith? You forgot somebody..
- At March 26, 2008 at 7:50 PM The Punk Patriot said...
-
Sir, I've sent you a personal email.
But I will also post it here.
"My name is Asher Platts. You killed my entry. Prepare to die."
First, how dare you say "disqualified." What qualifications were there?
1) Kicking ass.
2) Being about Josef.
3) Being about Josef kicking ass.
I think my haikus do just that-- and unless you were on the campaign with us-- in ways you will never know.
And what do you mean "fast and loose?"
My entry strictly follows 575 formatting.
Are you going to be a dick and say that technically "Ireland" has only two syllables, even though it's clearly pronounced "Aye-Ur-Land" giving it three distinct syllables?
Or "Eire" which is pronounced "Eee-reh" in two syllables as being only one?
Because if these are true, then, you sir, have not only have no sense of humor, but you also cannot speak the english language properly-- to the point of requiring a book to tell you how many syllables a word has, rather than just sounding it out for yourself.
Also, my entry kicks ass regardless of whether or not I win. Hot Cha!
You have been pwn'd,
Asher Platts - At March 26, 2008 at 7:56 PM Anonymous said...
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OK, whoa, Asher. WHOA.
You don't need to fire off any nasty e-mails; this whole thing was in fun.
I personally object to you calling Jake (a personal friend of mine) a "dick," and I'm quite frankly shocked at the way you aggressively attack him for doing me a favor and helping me out with the contest. This whole concept is supposed to be upbeat and humorous, so Jake used humor in his feedback... not to attack anyone.
I also don't like how you tell him he "cannot speak the [E]nglish language properly" when he's a professional journalist-- with quite the command of humor and the English language.
I'm disappointed in your behavior, Asher. I didn't expect this from you, and I hope you apologize to me and Jake. - At March 26, 2008 at 9:19 PM The Punk Patriot said...
-
Sorry if I stepped on any toes, my email was also meant to be in good fun.
Jake called me "fast and loose" which I took as an accusation of poetic promiscuity.
I did not like that.
My haiku are very chaste.
Some are puritans.
In good nature, I returned his playful insulting aire.
Also note that the accusation of being a "dick" is conditional. If the preceding statements in the post are false, then the clause following it is also false.
More to the point, I had just been in an argument with somebody else entirely about rules in the English language, and how, if you look at the linguistic history, they've all been arbitrarily made up as we go along. It's rather pointless to hold steadfast to any set of rules that have been arbitrarily institutionalized over any other that are put in practice in a day to day world. That is, unless departure from these rules fouls the ability of a user of language to communicate-- which is the ultimate goal of any language.
I may have come across as needlessly harsh in that respect, but I assure you, that attack is not directed at Jake (whom I do not know), but at a more general clinging to arbitrary rules that have little application or use in day to day linguistic usage. Which I find to be highly annoying.
So, with that, I offer my apologies if I offended any specific persons. - At March 27, 2008 at 8:42 AM Anonymous said...
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I still heart you, Asherplatz.
